Will it ever come back? by Len
November 4, 2007 by lambertjjl
I am no Picasso or Monet. But I love art. I used to think I was an artist. Or should I say, I believed I was. When I was younger, I was so creative. When I was in the 6th Grade, my Adviser would ask me to draw animals, people and things on her test papers for her kindergarten class. I enjoyed it. She offered to pay me for the effort but I never accepted it. I just liked doing it. There was always an adrenalin rush. Seeing the smile on my Adviser’s face each time I’d hand her my work would instantly take me to Cloud 9.
In High School, I made money out of designing bookmarks and birthday cards. In college, other students in our neighbourhood asked me to design covers of terms papers or prepare visual aids for their class reports. I remember carefully outlining the human anatomy on a large piece of ‘cartolina.’ I hold dear the memory of choosing the colours and the shades and making sure it was an excellent job I was doing. The feeling inside was extraordinary. It felt liberating. I cannot explain to you exactly how it felt but it was beautiful. I wanted to take Fine Arts but didn’t. My father said there was no money in it. He may be right. So I travelled a completely different road. Years passed. I’d still draw from time to time. I’d use charcoal to draw a face. I’d use ordinary pens when I’d try caricature. But the feeling was alarmingly diminishing. Slowly. The inspiration was going. I think it was dying.
A few years ago, I still had the inspiration to paint. In fact, I painted a garden in oil on canvas and I left it hanging on the wall at the entrance to my bedroom back home. That was the last time I ever did it. Then years after that, I realised that I have completely lost it. The artist in me has gone. It felt like I lost a part of myself. It dawned on me one night whilst James had gone to work. I took my pencils and my drawing pad. I took a beautiful postcard with a photograph of the NorwichCastle. I started to outline the castle on my pad. It all went wrong. My hand felt completely different, it wasn’t the hand that used to love to draw. The lines all went to the wrong directions making the drawing look absolutely awful. I crossed it out. Tried doing it again on another page. Then another. And another one. Then I just stopped. I looked up the ceiling. The phone rang. It was James. ‘Are you okay?’ He asked. ‘Yes, Love, I’m fine. I’m trying to draw something.’ I said. ‘But I couldn’t. I think I cannot do it again.’ I continued. James just chuckled. He didn’t take me seriously. Why would he? He never saw the artist in me. When I met him, I had already stopped painting. Although he saw the old painting I did a few years ago, it wasn’t very impressive. My husband never met that side of me. The side of me that rejoices inside just looking at the strokes of a painting or the child in me that admires the ingenuity of miniatures and dolls or how the artists created the smoke by use of cotton, colours and light to devise a realistic representation in museums. I don’t think he ever notices the glitter in my eyes as I study the structure of dollhouses and the tiny little things inside them or my excitement to look at the beauty of the colours of sunset. These all make me imagine myself capturing the shapes and colours on paper or canvas. That side of me that used to give me a lift, a certain ‘high.’
I left most of my stuff in the Philippines so when I came here last year, I didn’t have my art books with me. Somehow I miss them. I miss looking at those pictures. So I started buying art books again. I wanted it to come back. I wanted to look at the trees again and see their outline and imagine what shades of green to use if I use watercolour or oil or pastels…I want that adrenalin rush again. I want the inspiration again. I want it so badly that the books are piling up.
And I am still waiting for the artist to come back.
4 Responses to “Will it ever come back? by Len”
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hello there, pal! wow … you may be having some difficulty reconnecting with that long-lost artist deep inside you, but this beautiful post i just read is proof, len, that the writer in you is in full bloom!! i loved how you wrote that, len! i greatly admire people who have the ability to write not only about the great and glorious moments in their life, but also about their frustrations and tears. it takes a brave and sincere soul to do that, one who has come to terms with his/her imperfections but is secure enough to share those thoughts with friends knowing that it will not diminish the respect others have for them. i’m sure many of your friendster friends can identify with you, len. we all used to be a lot of things in years past. i myself used to draw, paint … i was once a member of a gymnastics team. a marathon runner. a medalist on the track-and-field team in college. member of the varsity swim team. a flutist in a symphonic band. a violinist. a piano teacher. what happened? where did that person go? i guess we got busy, len. the years just zipped by and here we are. we are both blessed to be in loving relationships, and only now do we have time to slow down and ask that question: where has the artist gone? i share your hopes and prayers, len … may the artist come back to me, to you, and to anyone else who is missing a part of themselves that used to shine years ago. thank you for sharing your sad, yet so beautiful thoughts with us, len! you definitely have a way with words and i found this post absolutely inspiring. thank you!
I’ve asked those similar questions from time to time, Len, probably more so now that I’m getting older. We sometimes think we got time to pursue those interests that we have to neglect or give up due to other priorities but the reality is, we are going to run out of time sooner or later. Lucky for me, I found blogging and found that inner writer in me. Yet, the list is still long. Keep prodding on, Len. That artist in you will soon come out, one way or another. IMHO, I think she’s out already.
Len I will just comment a very simple words for you, You may lost the art of painting but you are gaining the art in writting……so ART pa rin yon noh??? Ha ha ha
Give your self a time busy ka kasi lagi……
I would think it’s like riding a bike- it will come back, you’ll know what to do. But yes, you need to be inspired to create something. It’s like my bearmaking, I would go months and months without creating anything, tapos out of the blue, I just get all inspired and work,and work,and work.
Don’t force yourself. It will come again.